16 yrs ago my life changed forever.........

On August 6, 1992, my world came to a crashing, devastating, take your breath away halt. I checked in for my c-section for the birth of my second child on the evening of my birthday. After getting me admitted to my room, the nurse began to check for the baby's heartbeat with the doppler.

Complete silence filled the room............



......and we knew she had walked out of our lives forever............

Not a sound was heard from that little machine. The look in the nurse's eyes was heart-breaking as she called out for the ultrasound machine and my OB-GYN immediately. My 2nd daughter was born still early the next morning on August 7, 1992 at 9:01 am and we buried her at 2pm on August 9, 1992.

Nothing in life prepared me for the loss of my baby. Not only did I lose part of myself, I lost a part of my future; both parts that I will never ever get back and that I still mourn for daily. The feelings I went through and the thoughts I had can not ever be explained or written down. Even today, I have days of complete happiness and days of complete dispair.

The anniversary of her death and the holidays are the worse of all. The pain is just as raw today as it was that week. I always feel that there is someone missing, someone who is late to the party. Learning how to cope, go on, recover and how to be happy again takes the longest. I formed connections to songs, items, etc that seemed to help me understand.

The one thing that I found to be the most comforting was the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. His lyrics say: "I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance". That says to me that I could have missed the pain of losing my daughter, but I would have also had to miss the dance of carrying her throughout the pregnancy, feeling her kicks, seeing her on ultrasounds and holding her in my arms. That dance taught me so much about love, loss, recovery and perseverance.



Another item that seemed to come out of nowhere, but somehow had a significant meaning was "rabbits". While I was in the hospital, my parents were taking care of all the arrangements for the funeral. There was a small children's boutique clothing store in our little town that was scheduled to open for the first time that next week. My mother called the owners to see if they would open that weekend before so she could get a dress for her grand-daughters funeral. They graciously opened up so she could go pick out a dress to bury her baby's baby in. I can only imagine the pain she was also going through, especially having to do that task. She will never no how much she comforted me and helped me heal. She came back with a beautiful little white dress with rabbits on them. Little did she know, we had also picked up a small stuffed rabbit a couple of days before and it was sitting in the crib. So, Kristen was buried in her little bunny dress and her little stuffed bunny. Oh...and we have lots of bunnies in the back yard.



Kristen Paige would be turning 16 years old today.

I often wonder:

Would she be just as smart and beautiful as her sisters?
Would she be quiet, but outspoken and stand up for what she believes in like her sister Katie??
Would she be silly and tomboy-ish like her sister Kelsi??
Would she like to get down and dirty like her brother Trace??
Would she like to do crafts, scrapbook and cook like I do??
Would she be strong and goal oriented like her dad??
Would she be quiet, a hard worker, and giving like her grandfather?
Would she be loving, nurturing and sweet like her grandmother?
Would she love dogs, outdoors and gardening like we all do?
What would she want to be when she grows up?
Would she hate green beans and tomatoes like Katie?
Would she love being the center of attention like Kelsi or hate it like Katie?
Would she like lots of fruits unlike her brother Trace who only eats bananas?
Would she like lots of different styles of music like Kelsi and I?
Would she also love Disney like we all do?
Would she love to travel and develop a love for the "wild west" like her grandparents?
Would she have wanted a large "look at me" wedding like Kelsi, or a small personal "get married on the beach" wedding like Katie?
Would she love Elvis and classic rock like her grandmother and her dad?
Would she be a computer geek like her uncle Eric, her cousin Austin and her grandfather?
Would she be like to bake like her Aunt Anissa?
Would she love Sponge-Bob like her brother Trace and her cousin Aden?
Would she love Hannah Montana like her cousin Ariel or Miley Cyrus like her sister Kelsi?
Would she have a sense of adventure and drive for success like her uncle Luke?

Does she miss us as much as we miss her??

All of these questions and wonderings will never be answered. I can only dream and imagine how her life would have been.

I take extreme comfort in thinking that she is being rocked and held by my wonderful grandparents and family who had passed before her and those who have passed since.

I know my Nanny and my Maw are showing her the love and nurturing that only a grandmother can. Teaching her how to be a good listener, how to be patient, understanding and demand respect. I see Maw teaching her how to cook chicken and dumplings and make sweet potato pies. And I see Nanny teaching her some south Louisiana Cajun French--even the bad words like she taught me. They both also had a funny streak, so I know they are teaching her how to laugh and find humor in everything.

And I know my paw paw and my paw are teaching her meaning of unconditional love, how to be strong and weather the storms, how to hold her head up and stand up for her beliefs. I see Paw teaching her how to garden, fish and love the outdoors. And I see Paw Paw teaching her how to be strong, how to support and defend her country and step up and unconditionally love and support your children no matter what.

I also know that both my Uncle Jacks are showing her the beauty in music and in seeing beauty in everything through a camera lens. And my cousin Cindy is rocking her and telling all the stories of her many cousins and of the family reunions back home in Louisiana. I know my Aunt Gladys is loving on her the most--I always felt she completely understood the pain of losing my daughter since she had lost her own little boy. So, I know she is telling Kristen all the stories about me growing up, how wonderful her family is and how much we miss her.

All these things that I and her father was supposed to do. I was angry for a long time that this was taken away from me, but God had other plans, and I couldn't have had better grandparents, aunts, uncles and a cousin to do those jobs for me until we meet again.

Everyone dreams of angels, but I held one in my arms.