Gardening is going well in our backyard. This is a pic of Trace's science experiment. The tomato plant on the right was planted in dirt dug out of the yard. The tomato plant on the left was planted with compost, fertilizer and vermiculite. Sun exposure and water schedule are the same.
Square foot gardening with tomatos and peppers.
Yummy grape tomatoes in a hanging planter. Lots of blooms and fruit.
More hanging planters with tomatoes and peppers.
Fig tree that was rescued. Was just a stick with a couple of leaves.
I am a member of a wonderful group of men and women who send gifts to a Make A Wish child and their family who have chosen a Disney trip for their wish trip. We get to know these families and we can make and send something or we can send a gift card or we can "pixie dust" by sending little things to make their trips a little more enjoyable. Some in the group are extremely talented and send custom outfits for various times in their trips such as special dinners at Chef Mickey or the castle.
I signed up for a recent family and decided to make quilts since they were going this fall.
For the little girl, I decided to make a strip quilt out of purples, pinks and greens...with some Tinkerbell thrown in. Here are all the strips and fleece.
And Spiderman fleece tie blanket for the little boy. Big...fluffy...warm! 2 layers!!
Have you had things in your life that affected you so much that you never realized why until years and maybe decades later?
Have you wondered why an event or occurrence really "stuck" with you and just wouldn't leave your thoughts and heart?
I have had 2 major life altering and devastating events happen in my life and looking pack in the past I have realized that I was in a way "prepared" for each of them.
Kind of, an ever so gentle,
"hey you, heads up, take note of this cause it will happen to you later"
tap on the shoulder.
When I was in upper middle school I remember a woman in our town who delivered a stillborn baby boy. Of course I was sad and so sorry for her and her families loss, but that event was something that crept in my head frequently. Very frequently. I could never figure out why her loss would just pop in my head during my high school years and beyond.
Flash forward to May 1992 when my grandfather died.
When I was almost 7 months pregnant.
We were at the cemetary for the burial and like most funerals you walk around in the graveyard after the service and visit the graves of past family members. I stumbled upon the grave of that baby boy.
I was so sad at the size of that little gravesite among all the what appeared to be massively huge vaults all around him. I remember bending over to clear some leaves off and then moving on.
2 months later I delivered our daughter...born still...after 9 perfect months of pregnancy.
Flash forward to mid 2000s... I became involved in an online group of people who would send cards and gifts to people of all ages who were diagnosed with cancer. I would always sign up for the kids and their siblings and took great joy in shopping, packaging and shipping boxes of fun to children. Just giving back to those who were suffering and making a difference made me so happy.
In 2006, we went to DisneyWorld for Katie's Senior trip and when we rode Big Thunder Mountain Railroad we sat right behind a Make A Wish kid with his bald head. Just watching him and his family laughing and enjoying that ride was something I would never forget. It made smile and cry at the same time. It was the most rewarding thing I thing I have ever experienced seeing how the cast members asked him when the ride was over if he had enough yet. He stayed on the ride again as we got off and went on our way.
I frequent an online message board for Disney fans and read about a place in Orlando where Make A Wish kids stay on their trips and that they were always looking for volunteers to work shifts. So, in 2008, when we were planning a return trip, I started reading online on how we could try and volunteer a day or so while we were in Orlando. I thought it could be a good lesson for the kids on philanthrophy and giving back. After having the paperwork filled out, we found out we couldn't because Trace was too young...he would have to be 12 or older to volunteer. So we planned on making sure to do it on a future trip...
Then, in 2009, I remember thinking...of 20+ nieces and nephews, none of them have any problems. They are all healthy happy children from toddlers to college aged. How lucky and blessed is our family!!
And once again...luck?? coincidence?? fate?? whatever?? steps in
...ummm...
storms in like a hurricane...
when Trace was diagnosed with cancer in 2010....
and WE were the Make A Wish family riding Test Track (they wouldn't ride Big Thunder again!! LOL)
and WE were the wish family staying at Give Kids The World.
The plans of volunteering at an awesome place to give back to kids and their families...yeah right! WE were the ones saying thank you repeatedly to the volunteers...the volunteers of 12 yr olds, the volunteers of high school kids, the volunteers of families just like us. The other families of just like us were sitting beside us to eat breakfast every morning...
Just like us...
those who have buried a child
and those who are supporting and loving their child through cancer.
These lyrics come from Lady Antebellum's new song Hello World:
Hello World All the empty disappears I remember why I'm here Just surrender and believe I fall down on my knees Oh Hello World, Hello World, Hello World
Some of you know that 18 yrs ago we lost a daughter at birth. She was stillborn after 9 perfect months of pregnancy and it changed me. I had been raised in church, was saved at 13 yrs old and believed in God with all my heart and soul. After losing my daughter, I questioned God, wanted to know why her, why us, just why?? I never found a good enough reason to those questions, so I became angry and doubtful. Very angry. Years passed and I fought with my faith and belief daily. I had come to the conclusion that God doesn't take babies and make their parents and their siblings suffer such an inconsolable loss...so is there really "this great wonderful place in the sky with a God that will welcome his believers in the end?" Surely this great all-mighty God would not have taken my daughter away before she was even born. I battled with my emotions, my faith, my hope, my fears, my peace of mind for the past 18 yrs...
Then came Trace's cancer diagnosis in August and my world completely fell apart. I was convinced there was no God. No possible way that I was being faced with the possibility of losing another child?? Then on the other hand, could it be that I was being punished for my questions, doubts and wondering over the past years. All these people were saying "I am praying for Trace, God will heal him". All I could think was --"if you only knew how I really feel about God". It was weird, because I didn't find myself always praying to God, but talking to my daughter, pleading with her to take care of her little brother, to be with him during his surgery. I didn't think He would take care of me or Trace because I had doubted and turned away many years ago. Why would He?
Well, I have my answer in the other room playing with his LEGOs, and arguing with his sisters. He a walking miracle, a result of the power of prayer, of hope, of love. A result of God's healing. His 1st pathology showed incomplete margins on the tumor which means the tumor was cut into and there was some left. His 2nd pathology showed absolutely no cancer, none, none, none. It was all gone before the surgery was performed.
So, in as much that the death of my daughter changed me 18yrs ago, the miraculous healing of my son is in a sense "changing me back." I'm starting to feel IT again, feel the love, feel the peace, finding my faith once again.
This morning, Sunday November 7, Lady Antebellum's new song and video came on TV and the lyrics summed up what I have been feeling.
Hello World All the empty disappears I remember why I'm here Just surrender and believe I fall down on my knees Oh Hello World, Hello World, Hello World
Hello World by Lady A
Traffic crawls
Cell Phone Calls
Talk radio screams at me through my tinted window
I see a little girl, rust red minivan
She's got chocolate on her face
Got little hands, and she waves at me, yeah she smiles at me.
Well Hello World
How you been?
Good to see you my old friend
Sometimes I feel, Cold as steel
Broken like I'm never gonna heal
I see a light, a little hope in a little girl, Well HELLO WORLD
Everyday I drive by a little white church,
its got these little white crosses like angels in the yard
Maybe I should stop on in, say a prayer
Maybe talk to God like he is there
Oh I know he's there, Yeah I know he's there
Well Hello World
How you been?
Good to see you my old friend,
Sometimes I feel as Cold as steel
And broken like I'm never gonna heal
I see a light, a little grace, little faith unfurl.
Well Hello World
Sometimes I forget what living's for, And i hear my life through my front door,
and I'll be there,
oh I'm home again
I See my wife, little boy, little girl, Hello World
Hello World
All the empty disappears
I remember why I'm here
Just surrender and believe
I fall down on my knees
Oh Hello World, Hello World, Hello World
This weeks theme for the Blog Hop is encouragement. Since this week is the anniversary of my daughter's birth/death, I wanted to share what I wrote last year on what would have been her 16th birthday. I hope it can serve as an inspiration to those other mothers/fathers/sisters/brothers/grandparents who have suffered the loss of a child/brother/sister/grandchild, whether it be from a miscarriage, a stillbirth, infant death or child death. No matter the age at the time of loss, the pain is the same.
I hope my post can encourage you to go on, to be happy again and not feel guilty doing it. It took me a very very long time to get to where I am today. It's OK to be angry and it's OK to be happy. Holidays and family get togethers are the hardest, because I always feel that there is someone missing, someone that should be there celebrating life and family with us. Always wondering....
Please feel free to email me if you need to talk, need a shoulder to cry on, or anything else. I would love to talk with you. I know first hand that people do not like to bring it up and make you upset, so I will be happy to email with anyone who needs to talk.
Repost from August 7, 2008
On August 6, 1992, my world came to a crashing, devastating, take your breath away halt. I checked in for my c-section for the birth of my second child on the evening of my birthday. After getting me admitted to my room, the nurse began to check for the baby's heartbeat with the doppler.
Complete silence filled the room............
......and we knew she had walked out of our lives forever............
Not a sound was heard from that little machine. The look in the nurse's eyes was heart-breaking as she called out for the ultrasound machine and my OB-GYN immediately. My 2nd daughter was born still early the next morning on August 7, 1992 at 9:01 am and we buried her at 2pm on August 9, 1992.
Nothing in life prepared me for the loss of my baby. Not only did I lose part of myself, I lost a part of my future; both parts that I will never ever get back and that I still mourn for daily. The feelings I went through and the thoughts I had can not ever be explained or written down. Even today, I have days of complete happiness and days of complete dispair.
The anniversary of her death and the holidays are the worse of all. The pain is just as raw today as it was that week. I always feel that there is someone missing, someone who is late to the party. Learning how to cope, go on, recover and how to be happy again takes the longest. I formed connections to songs, items, etc that seemed to help me understand.
The one thing that I found to be the most comforting was the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. His lyrics say: "I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance". That says to me that I could have missed the pain of losing my daughter, but I would have also had to miss the dance of carrying her throughout the pregnancy, feeling her kicks, seeing her on ultrasounds and holding her in my arms. That dance taught me so much about love, loss, recovery and perseverance.
Another item that seemed to come out of nowhere, but somehow had a significant meaning was "rabbits". While I was in the hospital, my parents were taking care of all the arrangements for the funeral. There was a small children's boutique clothing store in our little town that was scheduled to open for the first time that next week. My mother called the owners to see if they would open that weekend before so she could get a dress for her grand-daughters funeral. They graciously opened up so she could go pick out a dress to bury her baby's baby in. I can only imagine the pain she was also going through, especially having to do that task. She will never no how much she comforted me and helped me heal. She came back with a beautiful little white dress with rabbits on them. Little did she know, we had also picked up a small stuffed rabbit a couple of days before and it was sitting in the crib. So, Kristen was buried in her little bunny dress and her little stuffed bunny. Oh...and we have lots of bunnies in the back yard.
Kristen Paige would be turning 16 years old today.
I often wonder:
Would she be just as smart and beautiful as her sisters? Would she be quiet, but outspoken and stand up for what she believes in like her sister Katie?? Would she be silly and tomboy-ish like her sister Kelsi?? Would she like to get down and dirty like her brother Trace?? Would she like to do crafts, scrapbook and cook like I do?? Would she be strong and goal oriented like her dad?? Would she be quiet, a hard worker, and giving like her grandfather? Would she be loving, nurturing and sweet like her grandmother? Would she love dogs, outdoors and gardening like we all do? What would she want to be when she grows up? Would she hate green beans and tomatoes like Katie? Would she love being the center of attention like Kelsi or hate it like Katie? Would she like lots of fruits unlike her brother Trace who only eats bananas? Would she like lots of different styles of music like Kelsi and I? Would she also love Disney like we all do? Would she love to travel and develop a love for the "wild west" like her grandparents? Would she have wanted a large "look at me" wedding like Kelsi, or a small personal "get married on the beach" wedding like Katie? Would she love Elvis and classic rock like her grandmother and her dad? Would she be a computer geek like her uncle Eric, her cousin Austin and her grandfather? Would she be like to bake like her Aunt Anissa? Would she love Sponge-Bob like her brother Trace and her cousin Aden? Would she love Hannah Montana like her cousin Ariel or Miley Cyrus like her sister Kelsi? Would she have a sense of adventure and drive for success like her uncle Luke?
Does she miss us as much as we miss her??
All of these questions and wonderings will never be answered. I can only dream and imagine how her life would have been.
I take extreme comfort in thinking that she is being rocked and held by my wonderful grandparents and family who had passed before her and those who have passed since.
I know my Nanny and my Maw are showing her the love and nurturing that only a grandmother can. Teaching her how to be a good listener, how to be patient, understanding and demand respect. I see Maw teaching her how to cook chicken and dumplings and make sweet potato pies. And I see Nanny teaching her some south Louisiana Cajun French--even the bad words like she taught me. They both also had a funny streak, so I know they are teaching her how to laugh and find humor in everything.
And I know my paw paw and my paw are teaching her meaning of unconditional love, how to be strong and weather the storms, how to hold her head up and stand up for her beliefs. I see Paw teaching her how to garden, fish and love the outdoors. And I see Paw Paw teaching her how to be strong, how to support and defend her country and step up and unconditionally love and support your children no matter what.
I also know that both my Uncle Jacks are showing her the beauty in music and in seeing beauty in everything through a camera lens. And my cousin Cindy is rocking her and telling all the stories of her many cousins and of the family reunions back home in Louisiana. I know my Aunt Gladys is loving on her the most--I always felt she completely understood the pain of losing my daughter since she had lost her own little boy. So, I know she is telling Kristen all the stories about me growing up, how wonderful her family is and how much we miss her.
All these things that I and her father was supposed to do. I was angry for a long time that this was taken away from me, but God had other plans, and I couldn't have had better grandparents, aunts, uncles and a cousin to do those jobs for me until we meet again.
Everyone dreams of angels, but I held one in my arms.
