Reflection

1 year

12 months

52 weeks

365 days

8760 hours

525600 minutes

31536000 seconds

And I have felt every single one of them. You hear those words, those awful words, those words that have the power to shake you to the very core of your being, those words that take every single bit of control you thought you had away. You know that you will never ever be the same. 

"Your child has cancer."

In the immediate span of time after those words are uttered, you hear nothing, yet everything. 

You feel nothing, yet every single emotion. 

You don't know what to do, yet you want to do everything, anything....ANYTHING.

You cry,

you scream, 

you question,

you bargain, 

you beg, 

you hope, 

you pray.

Cancer!!

In a child!!

MY SON??

????

August 5, 2010

a day I will never forget

a day in a week that also has the anniversary of our daughter's birth/death

a day in a week that also has my birthday

a day in a week that also has Kelsi's birthday

a day in a week that also has my brother's birthday

A week that I would just like to skip from now on.

The rollercoaster of emotions is just too much sometimes.

rising up

falling down

loop around

curve this a way

curve that a way

going upside down

swirve around

and do it all again.

So, here we are a year later. Still riding that rollercoaster.

Many many tears later.

Many many sleepless nights later.

Many many many questions later.

Cancer sucks

A lot

It is not easy in any way.

We are very very very lucky. Trace's cancer was cured with surgery and he has remained cancer free since October 15, 2010.

But, since his tumor was cut into and had incomplete margins in pathology, that means reoccurence is a possibility...at any time. AT ANY TIME!! One little cell, just one, one itsy-bitsy, microscopically tiny little cell could have escaped and can decide to set up shop somewhere else in his body. If is does, we face moving to Houston for radiation at the Proton Therapy Center.

Every 3 months is scan time and appointment time.

He gets labs to check kidney function before the IV contrast.

He gets a chest x-ray and exposed to radiation to check for reoccurrence in his lungs.

He gets an IV.

He gets IV contrast injected in his veins with associated side effects.

He gets a head and neck CT scan and exposed to more radiation to check for reoccurrence in his neck or head. 

He gets approximately 20 months worth of accumulated natural occurring radiation in one 10 minute scan to his head...increasing his risk of another cancer later in life. ANOTHER CANCER!

He gets anxiety, stress and worry. At 12yrs old.

12 yrs old.

He's just a child.

A child diagnosed with cancer.

Cancer.

Yes, cancer.

46 children are diagnosed every day with it.

7 children die every day from it.

And it sucks big time.